The Descent

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This review contains SPOILERS, although I would think you’d all be grateful to me for sparing you from wasting the two hours you’d spend watching this dog.

Six women. Brave tough women. They rock-climb (and when did this become a verb, rather than just saying, ‘they climb rocks?’). They white-water-raft (ditto). They do all kindsa intense physical dangerous stuff. And now…they’re going into a CAVE.

And because it’s dark the filmmakers think they can get away with insulting the moviegoer’s intelligence…

This was the last film of the New Year’s Day Videofest, theme: Underground. Mr. Hair picked it, and he will never be forgiven. And let me say right here that if How Green Was My Valley had not arrived from netflix.com with a crack in it, we would NEVER have seen this dog. Netflix has a lot to answer for too…but on with our regularly scheduled review.

Firstly, it’s hard to tell six athletic chicks of the same age apart, especially in dark cave shots. We were always saying to each other, is that this chick? or that one? The two main characters stood out a little (one was blond, the other looked vaguely Asian) until everyone got covered with enough filth that they all blended in.

Secondly: nobody believed that Juno (the only one whose name we could remember, the vaguely Asian one) would file a permit for one cave and then take them to a DIFFERENT, and as yet unexplored cave. Idiotic. And the whole back story about one of the women’s husband and daughter dying in a freak accident was silly, and did nothing for character development.

I saw trailers of this in a movie theater, back in the dear lost days when I actually had time and money to go to a real theater and see movies. It looked FRICKIN’ scary, many many oogies. When Mr. Hair picked this as one of his entries to the New Year’s Day Videofest (we pick 8 total and watch 6 or so, depending on time and inclination) I told him that it looked pretty oogie to me and that I may have to either start crocheting or watch it with my fingers over my eyes.

NOT!!!

Bat people. Oh my god, how LAME. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Not even remotely jumpy. And of course all the obligatory bloody violence, but you have to actually have some suspense built up for that to make the viewer scream, you know? and it REALLY looked fake and stupid. Nah. The ONLY good bit in the whole movie was when Juno the Stupid was fighting off bat creatures and mortally wounded one of the other girls by mistake. That was a good two minutes. Not worth having to sit through the movie. Bat people. Sheesh.

Now, when Mr. Hair and I were renting Treasure Island from our local Emporium de Video, I was talking about our theme day with one of the guys who works there, and he had seen this one. It’s good, he said, but the last five minutes ruined it for me.

So all through this stupid movie (for we passed this bit of information on to Mr. Otter) we were debating what would happen in the last five minutes…our consensus was that it would all turn out to be a dream Mom was having in the hospital after her family died.

But no. In a freakishly unsatisfying and idiotic move, the dream was of Mom getting out and getting away…and then she finds herself in the cavern again, and you know that’s not going anywhere good.

Idiots. The whole bunch of them were serious contenders for Darwin awards. None of them had a brain in her head, or had any idea how to deal with an emergency.

This is so skippable. If you need Scary Things Underground, watch Tremors instead…I sure wish we had…

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