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A complete and total mish-mosh retelling of Theseus and the Minotaur. With lots of special effects.

Okay, I admit it. I really liked 300. Good writing, great eye-candy. So when I saw previews for this (made by the same people) in the theater, I thought, oh HELLS yes.

Although even the previews (which are usually carefully crafted to make the movie look WAY better than it is) looked pretty awful…what I was expecting, having seen them, was incredibly good special effects and a plot and dialogue straight out of a 1960s Steve Reeves movie.

I hate it when I’m being cynical and turn out to be right…but yes, that’s exactly what this was. Even with good actors like John Hurt (who Craftygirl kept referring to as Ollivander because that’s where she knows him from…she’s so young…) and Stephen Dorff, who I mostly remember as the bad vampire from Blade, and he was AWESOME in that…and Mickey Rourke, for God’s sake, who has certainly done better…even with good actors like them, this was a seriously awful movie.

The writers grabbed bits and pieces of whatever legends they felt like, made the Greek Gods look like 80s glam rock stars (and not in a fun, campy, good way) and rewrote everything you think you remember about Greek mythology with a liberal hand. Not even worth a historical no-brainer category, because removing your brain WOULD NOT HELP when watching this turkey.

Maybe putting your eyes out with skewers, pouring hot wax in both ears til it solidified, and putting Wilson and Squink down your pants to fight with each other…but that’s about the only thing that could have made this ignorable.

No, I’m wrong; if SOMEONE ELSE had done all that so I could laugh hysterically and take pictures…THAT would have been fun. Although it would have had nothing to do with this godawful movie.

Craftygirl, Spider Jerusalem and I msted the hell out of it, made frequent pauses for drinks, ice cream and treats, and groaned at the stupid parts. Which were legion.

Profit from my example. Skip this awful movie. Or at least…if you feel compelled to watch it, and end up doing the skewer/wax/cat triathlon…call me first so I can bring my camera over…!

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