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Um, it’s a computer/internet movie with Johnny Depp, what more do you need to know?

I think there are SPOILERS below…I don’t remember how specific the trailer is…

Embarassingly, that was about all I knew about it; I saw the trailer and was totally hooked.

Now, I’ve read about the current techniques of making movie trailers- they have done a huge amount of psychological study and they deliberately construct movie trailers that will attract people to the movie, whether or not it’s a good movie or even the kind of movie the current audience would normally go see…doesn’t matter, the trailer has been made to make you desperately want to see this movie.

In this case, all it needed was Johnny Depp. Serious Honey Johnny Depp. Who must be paying some kind of palimony after his split with his long-time girlfriend in 2012, because DAMN he’s been in a lot of bad movies…the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean (and a fifth in the works, evidently), The Lone Ranger, and this dog.

So in this, he’s a brilliant programmer whose consciousness is uploaded into a computer and starts taking over everything. He has a huge factory/research lab built out in the desert, and finally the government moves in to shut him down, even though he is curing people’s diseases and doing a lot to make life better. But he is so omnipresent in the internets that the only way to stop him is to use something like an EMP to destroy all computers, so now (the movie is a flashback) it’s like an apocalypse, life without electronics.

It actually sounds pretty good…and it might have been…except:

  1. The science was stupid. Really, really stupid.
  2. Depp shows almost no emotion, especially when he becomes part of the computer
  3. The rest of the actors are pretty wooden too.
  4. See #1. (Hint: Don’t make a movie about technology if you don’t get how technology works, it’s ludicrous.)
  5. There were really wierd things that made no sense, like the gigantic research lab with ONLY ONE SCIENTIST working there? Really?
  6. See #1. Even people who don’t know how computers work know plot holes when they see them, not to mention logical fallacies.
  7. Even Johnny Depp, Serious Honey that he is, cannot save a bad movie. Especially if
  8. See #1.

Skip it, you’ll be glad you did. Trust the otter.

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