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CinemaSins Movie Reviews
Technically, the story from the Bible, but…
So I kept seeing trailers for this big ol’ thunderin’ biblical epic. Even with Russell Crowe in it, how could I resist?
You didn’t even try, I can hear Mr. Otter saying to me. And he’s right. He and Spider Jerusalem and I went together to see and enjoy and mock.
And oh, it was so mockable.
Ponderous. Topheavy. Relentlessly PC. Silly. The kind of movie that knows from the get-go that many people will take exception to it whatever they do, and tried very hard to make them all happy…and of course, in the end, made pretty much nobody happy.
Crowe is, of course, the eponymous lead. He’s not bad, for what the role is- a touchy-feely nature-boy kinder gentler kind of Noah (but able to kick ass when needed, of course.) They kind of skirted around the whole ‘your family is the only group of people left so your kids are going to have to have children together’ problem by having the family adopt a girl from another place earlier on in the story…but we all know what had to happen.
And of course because it was touchy-feely PC time, they had Knowledge about the Earth and the Creatures and could do things like put ALL THE ANIMALS TO SLEEP with some kind of steam…that didn’t seem to work on human animals, for some reason. So after the really cool f/x of the animals coming to and entering the Ark, that was it, all you ever saw was CGI sleeping animal butts. Kind of disappointing.
Emma Watson has grown up extremely nicely, I’m happy to say. Hopefully she made a boatload of money with the Harry Potter movies and won’t have to do anything like this ever again…one wonders what her agent was thinking. At least Anthony Hopkins (as Methusaleh) not only got to have a little fun with his part, but was mercifully killed off halfway through.
Truthfully, it’s very mockable, but as these things go it’s not a patch on The Ten Commandments, which is one of the best movies both for mocking and for enjoying the spectacle (at least until they cross the Red Sea, then it’s just too heavy handed for words, Mr. Otter and I stop watching at that point, usually).
One of those movies that just takes itself waaaay too seriously. Don’t bother unless you like a lot of special effects and not much else.